• “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer,” John Lee Hooker. This trio of elixirs all buddied up is the closest a human can come to ingesting rocket fuel and live. But it’s not just that combo and Hooker’s head-banging one-chord riff that makes this tune a barstool champ. It’s Johnny Lee’s slick lingo for getting smashed. He’s not just schnockered: he’s “high,” “mellow,” “knocked out,” “gassed,” “feelin’ good,” “off my mind,” and “stoned.” Next round …
• “I Ain’t Drunk,” Albert Collins. Singer Jimmy Liggins wrote this one, but Collins made it an anthem for Good Time Charlies everywhere, slurring his words while his ’66 six-string kept up sharp-edged banter in a ferocious open F-minor tuning. “I don’t care/What the people are thinkin’/I ain’t drunk/I’m just drinkin’.” Flip another top …
• “Alligator Wine,” Screamin’ Jay Hawkins. Even the music’s gassed and stumbling on this stuff. The R&B witchdoctor claims it’s a love potion, but when he shouts out the recipe—“Take the blood out of an alligator/Take the left eye out of a fish/Take the skin off a frog/And put ‘em all in a dish”―it sounds like a few glasses too many and you’ll be living another of Hawkins’ songs, “Constipation Blues.” Let’s keep moving …
• “Champagne and Reefer,” Muddy Waters. This one gets the nod for subterfuge. “Bring me champagne when I’m thirsty,” Muddy starts. “Bring me reefer when I want to get high.” But when the blues kingpin opens the second verse with, “Well you know there should be no law/On people who want to smoke a little dope,” it’s obvious his bubbly talk is just a smokescreen and that his real agenda owes more to Bob Marley than Dom Pérignon. Twist one … off …
• “Don’t Roll Those Bloodshot Eyes at Me,” Wynonie Harris. This old-school shouter takes the sober party’s view, howlin’ at his darlin’ whose “eyes look like two cherries/In a glass of buttermilk.” And he’s no enabler: “It’s plain that you’re lyin’/When you say that you’ve been cryin’.” So what if he boots her out in the end? With Harris’ sirocco singing kicking up dust and his band galloping along, every lick of this tune’s a party. Pffsssttt …
• “Drinkin’ Wine Spo-dee-o-dee,” Stick McGhee. Brownie McGhee’s guitar picking little brother made this precursor to “Margaritaville” one of Atlantic Records’ earliest hits in 1946. The locale toasted in song is New Orleans, where public alcohol consumption still ain’t no big affair. But things get a little out of hand “when they gets drunk/Start fighting all night/Knocking down windows and tearin’ out doors/Drinkin’ half a gallon and callin’ for more.” One six-pack to go …
• “Wang Dang Doodle,” Howlin’ Wolf. When Big Foot Chester throws a party, nearly everybody’s invited: Automatic Slim, Razor Totin’ Jim, Butcher Knife Totin’ Annie, Fast Talkin’ Fanny. And when that crowd gets together to “fuss and fight till daylight,” you know it’s not at the juice bar. Country singer Jim Ed Brown didn’t get invited, but he did say, “Pop a top again …”
• “One Mint Julep,” Ray Charles. There’s a T-shirt that reads “Beer: Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 1862.” This is a more sophisticated, distinctly southern variation, and Brother Ray was a pretty young man when he crooned the tune to the top of the R&B chart in 1961. But the tag line says it all: “I’m through with flirting and drinking whiskey/I got six extra children from a-getting’ frisky.” Set up another one …
• “The Piano Has Been Drinking,” Tom Waits. Denial is a beautiful thing―at least when Waits is slumped over his piano alone picking out a melody as brave and cocky as this one. And, of course, when he explains that “the piano has been drinking” and “the jukebox has to take a leak”―“not me.” Back in a flash …
• “Sloppy Drunk,” Jimmy Rogers. Muddy’s buddy and guitar mentor nails the boozehound as emotional anesthesiologist. Sure, it’s not a healthy practice, but it’s stood the test of time. And he’s not holding back: “Yes I love that moonshine whiskey/Tell the world I do/Now this is the reason why I drink/I’m just trying to get along with you.” Keep ’em coming …
• “Bad Bad Whiskey,” Amos Milburn. John Lee Hooker aside, the drinker’s rule of thumb is don’t be fixin’ to be mixin’. But like the Hook, the great piano barrelhouser doesn’t see it that way. “I wanna tell you baby,” he hollers, “Now I’m just feeling just fine/I think I’ll stop drinkin’ whiskey/And go back to bad wine.” One more for the road …
• “Gimme a Pigfoot and a Bottle of Beer,” Bessie Smith. Proof that even in 1933 they knew that if you drank enough you’d eat anything. Urp.