As anyone who has ever worked in a used CD store already knows, some albums are so worthless that their value is lower than that of the jewel case they came in. Now this doesn’t mean that the album is inherently bad or inferior, it generally just means that masses of people bought the disc for one single, got sick of it, and decided they’d rather trade it in for a Diet Coke than use it as a drink coaster. Here, we list 10 albums that you shouldn’t even think about trying to trade in, unless you enjoy dirty looks and condescending comments from your local record clerk.
Chumbawamba Tubthumper — Unlike most of the bands on this list, Chumbawamba are actually pretty credible. Before the release of Tubthumper, they toiled in the underground DIY punk scene for 15 years, and the songs on the album stay true to their tradition of social activism. Most everyone, however, will only remember them for the ubiquitous pop hit “Tubthumping” (you know, it goes like this: "I get knocked down but I get up again/ You’re never gonna keep me down" and then a lady breaks in with a swoony, impossible-to-discern verse that sounds like “pissing the night away”). Once the novelty of that song wore off, no one bothered to stick around to listen to the rest of the disc, let alone the band’s follow-up, The ABCs of Anarchism.
Metallica St. Anger — Question: What do you do if you’re the biggest metal band in the world? Answer: If you’re Metallica, you craft an album in dropped-C tuning that sounds like it was recorded in a garbage can with no guitar solos. As ridiculous as that sounds, that’s exactly what Metallica decided to do with St. Anger, an experience that you can witness for yourself if you’ve seen the studio documentary Some Kind of Monster. Hardcore Metallica fans helped the album achieve No. 1 status in the U.S., but we’re guessing that most of those discs ended up in the used racks after a cursory listen.
Various Artists The Bodyguard: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack — Most of the 17 million people who bought the soundtrack for the film The Bodyguard probably don’t realize that Whitney Houston’s hit song “I Will Always Love You” was originally written by Dolly Parton—and they probably don’t care. Once they heard the song for the three thousandth time, they looked over the rest of the tracklisting and promptly made a mass exodus to the local used CD store (sorry, Kenny G).
Vertical Horizon Everything You Want —Led by the singles “Everything You Want” and “You Are a God” (the latter of which sported a video starring Tiffani-Amber Thiessen), Everything You Want rocketed to the top of the charts—and then fell just as fast. What are the members up to now? Apparently drummer Ed Toth is playing with the Doobie Brothers and frontman Matt Scannel is working on a new album with Rush drummer Neil Peart. We couldn’t make this up if we tried, people.
Seven Mary Three American Standard — What do you get when three hillbillies from Williamsburg, Virginia, buy one too many Nirvana CDs and decide to start a band? In 1996, Seven Mary Three made a huge dent in mainstream rock radio with their hit “Cumbersome,” but unfortunately none of the album’s other singles managed to resonate and the band faded into obscurity soon afterward.
Goldfinger Goldfinger — Before John Feldman was producing hit albums for bands like the Used and Story of the Year, he was fronting the ska-punk act Goldfinger [http://www.goldfingermusic.com]. While the band had great success with the song “Here in Your Bedroom,” they hit right when the ska-punk wave was ending, forcing many of the band’s fans to turn around and sell this CD in favor of the next new trend.
Marilyn Manson Smells Like Children — Marilyn Manson’s [http://www.marilynmanson.com] cover of the Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of These)” may have ushered him into the mainstream, but once these casual listeners heard songs like “Kiddie Grinder” and “Diary of a Dope Fiend,” you can bet their parents made them go back to the CD store and trade it in for something a little more wholesome—like, you know, the self-titled album by 311. In fact, while we’re on the subject of those guys ...
Anything by 311 — Funk is good. Alternative-rock is good. However when you put these two genres together, the results are usually horrendous. No one exemplified this mathematical constant better than 311, who merged slap-bass with rock riffs and hip-hop flavored lyrics to create a brand of music that was so harmless it was hard to take seriously. Everyone who grew up in the ’90s probably had one album by the group in their collection at some point, but good luck trying to get anyone to admit it.
Limp Bizkit Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water — It might be hard to comprehend in retrospect, but when Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water was originally released eight years ago, it sold over a million copies its first week. While the hip-hop cameo heavy “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)” and anti-authority anthem “My Way,” were both commercial smashes, when nu metal expired so did Limp Bizkit’s career.
Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill —Even the best-selling albums tend to end up in the bargain bins eventually, meaning that if even one percent of Alanis Morissette’s album Jagged Little Pill ends up there it’s still a staggering three million copies. Led by the singles “You Oughta Know” and “Ironic,” the album skyrocketed into the mainstream, but the true irony turned out to be how many of her fans pulled a prompt about-face.
Eminem’s Encore — While Eminem is an extremely influential figure in the hip-hop community, by 2004 his pseudo-controversial shtick had worn thin—and Encore failed to stack up to his previous material. But that didn’t stop his masses of bleached-hair fans from running out the day it was released to pick it up. With a recipe for disaster—huge initial sales and lackluster music—the album was soon banished to budget bins all across America. Oh, and where’s Marshall Mathers these days? Probably smoking cigars with the rest of these artists—and laughing all the way to the bank.